Monday, September 04, 2006
11 Sya'aban 1427H

so people have been asking me abt my life... hmm~
as i replied to one of them, alhamdulillah, life has been great as long as i'm not at my attachment place.
i've begin to dislike that word. dun wanna talk abt it. BUT people will endlessly ask me abt it. so hopefully, this entry will hush those queries. boleh kan? please...

first week was terrible. oh, n i'm not exaggerating, bcoz truly, that was how i felt. but with Allah's help and support & motivation from family n friends, i tried very very hard to be optimistic abt it. tried not to compare my situation with my other coursemates, who are obviously having a good, if not a great time at their respective intenship places. n how did i know? thru phones, meetings n chats with them, n thru the group blogs thru which we are supposed to share our internship experiences. tried not to think too much abt my attachment in that secluded building, in that lab, with that partner (yg ni biarlah kusimpan sendiri..), with that working hours (8:30am-6pm), without allowance, the long, tiring journey... (kan. dah start lagi
-_-").

n i had thought the test ends here. but no, dear... little did i know at that time that there are more to come... subhanallah... laa yukallifullaahu nafsan illaa wus'aha. If Allah thinks that i'm capable to bear all this, then why should i complain? in fact, this life of mine is in HIS hands. i live for Him... everything i do, i do it for YOU oh Allah.. but as a mere human being, i'm very weak. baru siket kene uji je mcm dah nak give up.... sometimes i feel like quitting. but yeah, that would be stupid. only few months to go... n everything will be over, insyaAllah.
come on Khadijah. u must be strong!

u know, even when i was in 1st year, i'd been looking forward to my SIP. imagine the disappointment when i got to know that it will eventually turn out to be like this. 5 whole months of my precious youth. it hurts. really hurts. can't even put the exact feeling into words.

my 3rd year started off with a good start, hamdan lillah. then, i was determined to try my very best. yelah, final year katekan. i targeted to get a GPA of at least 3.5.
but the determination gradually decereases when this SIP started. n by now that determination is nearing 0%. no, not giving up. but i have to be realistic. at the rate my attachmentt is 'progressing' (heh. or should i say, 'stagnant-ing'?), that's not possible. 9 more weeks left. my experiments are not optimised. the final 3 weeks or so is for MP report. n there is a minimum of 100 patient n control samples to be tested. n i (n this 'fren' of mine from TP) haven't even started on a single one yet. pathetic right?

initially, i was extremely worried. then came sadness, depression. especially when my supervisor said things like: "both of u could be the first 2 students to get a zero in my lab", "zero results means u're not working" (padahal mcm nak rak perform experiments after experiments day by day). "like this, u won't survive in R&D". (macamlah aku nak sgt sambung in this line after such a 'splendid' experience mcm ni. heh)

but now, my perceptions have changed. so there is a possibility that i might fail my MP. which means i may have to repeat my 3rd year? n so i might quit n not complete my diploma. n thus in the future i wouldn't get a good career? n people are always saying abt how the Biomedical Sciences n Research & Development fields are booming. so what???

honestly, i think my brain is overworked. kesian dier... takpelah, i've made up my mind. now, i will just try my best, usaha, and if things doesn't turn out the way i (n many other people) hoped it will, i'll accept it. i'll leave the rest to Allah, for HE surely knows what's best for me. Ya ALLAH. please grant me the strength to accept whatever possibilities that lie ahead... kekadang rasa diri ni tak tertanggung dugaan yg menimpa. but if Allah wills it to happen, it will, and who am i to prevent it? with that in mind, alhamdulillah, rase tenang siket... hidup ni tak berakhir dgn kegagalan. takpelah, mesti ada hikmah di sebaliknya. bersangka baiklah terhadap Allah, Khadijah :)

"ilmu kita terbatas, ilmu Allah Maha Luas. Tidak dapat kita jangkakan hikmah takdir yg tersirat. Ya Allah, aku belum nampak lagi kebaikan takdirMU kini, tetapi aku pasti ketentuanMU pasti ada kebaikannya nanti" -an article from majalah Anis.

tak sabar rasanya nak habis poly. to study n do what i really want... rasa 'ilm ni cetek sgt. dhaif sgt. banyak nyer kekurangan yg perlu ditampal. byk kekosongan yg perlu diisi. bersabarlah Khadijah... insyaAllah, Allah tak akan mengecewakan hambaNya yg bersabar :)

last but not least, to my dearest, respected asatizah from Madrasah Wak Tanjong Al-Islamiah, Selamat Hari Asatizah. Jasamu akan kukenang sentiasa. jazaakumullahu khaira jaza'. rindunya pd perhatian, keprihatinan dan kasih sayang asatizah. esp. Ustazah Hamiyah, Ustazah Esah, Ustazah Orfiyah, Teacher Noraini, Teacher Sa'diah, Ustazah Habibah, Ustazah Sidah... terase diri ni disayangi sgt2 bila sesekali berpeluang berjumpa dgn mereka. terlalu mengambil berat. sedangkan diri ni rasanya terlalu dhaif penuh dgn kekurangan utk menerima perhatian sedemikian. n not forgetting Ustaz Musthofa Ghazali and Mudarris Iskandar who have helped me discover the wonders of the Arabic language and subsequently made me fell in love with it. alf syukr!


 
posted by .:Mujahidah Khadijah:. at 9/04/2006 10:08:00 PM | Permalink |


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